You Won't Mess Up Your Kids!
We need to remember that human beings are not fragile. We grow from adversity and challenge. We need exposure to difficulties in order to develop. While I believe self awareness is important, and I have personally experienced healing and growth through reflecting on my feelings and understanding them. I also recognize that children live in the moment.
Efrat:They do not ruminate on their feelings to maintain mental health. What they truly need is a healthy environment. They need stability and predictability. They require ample of free time to play freely. They need opportunities to be outside in nature and unsupervised time with peers to learn social skills and emotional skills.
Efrat:They need to feel like they are contributing to their environment by taking on responsibilities, participating in household tasks, and supporting the family in meaningful ways. Children also need less time on screens and should have the chance to engage in the real world, interacting face to face with others, deal with boredom and appreciate the little wonders of ordinary, regular life. We are all free agents and we all have choice. Yes, it is harder for some people than others. But eventually what determines if you will succeed and have a fulfilling life, have good relationships, work in something that you love, take care of yourself, make good choices about your life is whether you take responsibility on your life or you don't, which means you choose to be a creator in your life and not a victim of your circumstances.
Efrat:You choose hard work and overcoming challenges. It is a choice for everybody. We always have a choice. This is our free will given to us by God. It is essential for us to teach our children that they must find their place in the world.
Efrat:They need partners, friends, careers and educational plans. They must be integrated into the social fabric of society. Welcome to the Parenting Wisdom Podcast. I'm your host Efrat Amira. I'm a parenting coach and a lifelong learner.
Efrat:And this podcast is where we dive deep into the bigger questions of parenting. In a world overflowing with parenting advice, I believe the key to raising strong, resilient and fulfilled children lies in understanding the deeper meaning behind parenting. Each week we'll explore philosophy, sociology, theology and modern science to uncover timeless wisdom and practical insights that will help us guide our children with confidence and clarity. Let's step back, embrace the bigger picture, and rediscover the why behind what we do. Because when we understand our purpose as parents, everything else falls into place.
Efrat:Now let's dive in. Hi, everyone, and welcome back to the Parenting Wisdom Podcast. Today's episode is called You Won't Mess Up Your Kids. And the reason why I called it that is because I feel that many of us have this fear of messing up our kids. And I want to walk you guys a little bit through my own journey of how I started to let that belief go.
Efrat:So when my first son was born, I was close to finishing my master's degree sociology in Israel. I was deep into academic studies and I was immersed in that field. I was, I really wanted to do what is the right thing. I really wanted to parent the right way. I wanted to know everything there is to know about parenting.
Efrat:And when my son was just a few days old, they started reading and reading and reading. I read a lot about parenting and I delved into the realms of psychology, neuroscience and education. And when I was pregnant with my third son, I also took a parenting coach course and was introduced to other theories and other books. And one of the things that I have learned in my parenting coaching studies is I learned more about trauma. I learned how pervasive it is and how it is stored in our bodies, how it underlies much of our day to day experience.
Efrat:I was captivated. I dove deep into it. I took online courses and read books about it, and I was really, really intrigued. I started implementing these ideas that I learned into my own parenting and taught them in workshops and coaching sessions. But after a while, happened is that I started to feel like something is off, something was missing for me.
Efrat:My middle child had been struggling ever since his younger brother was born. And I have tried all the tools that I had in my toolbox as a parenting coach and everything that I learned in the parenting books. And I didn't see improvement in his behavior. I didn't see improvement in his self esteem and his self confidence. And I saw him view himself as fragile, as helpless, as a victim.
Efrat:And at that time, I started to feel that also the advice that I'm giving to other parents is not really working in the long run. And it wasn't creating the lasting change that I was hoping it will. So I realized that there was something critical missing in my understanding and I needed to dive deeper. So at that point, I took a step back. I paused my podcast for a few months.
Efrat:I stopped teaching and I stopped coaching and I started exploring other materials. This time I decided to dive into philosophy and theology, and I wanted to search for the bigger picture. I want to understand the deeper meaning of parenting. I wanted to understand why we are doing what we are doing, and I wanted to understand how we have parented our children for thousands of years before we had all these parenting books and all that, all this parenting advice that we have right now. So this journey took me to a completely different understanding of our role as parents.
Efrat:It made me understand our children's capacities and how we can truly prepare them for life. A life of resilience and strength, a life of making good choices and taking responsibility. In this episode, I want to take you through the theories I encountered, starting with the trauma narrative, then exploring the counter trauma narrative and finally bringing it all together. So most of the parenting books that I have read adopted a narrative that I want to call the trauma informed approach. And this perspective is rooted in the understanding that various experiences, even those that may seem not traumatic, can cause trauma.
Efrat:It's based on the work of Gabbir Mate and others who differentiate between big T traumas and small T traumas. So basically, big T traumas are the big events of life that we all see as potentially traumatic. So that can be abuse or neglect or war or natural disasters, sexual violence, and so on. But the small t traumas are the more subtle events that we have. And these include experience that can deeply impact our sense of self and our emotional security.
Efrat:These are things that every person encounters in their life at one point or another. So it can be emotional neglect, a child that feels unseen or unheard by his parents. It can be chronic stress or fear. It can be, parental disconnection due to stress, illness, or unresolved trauma. It can be shaming, criticizing, or rejection.
Efrat:It can be being expected to suppress our emotions in order to keep the peace. It can be a feeling of growing in an environment that feels unsafe, where the child feels unworthy or unlovable. So in order to avoid causing these small T traumas, The approach emphasizes emotional attunement, helping children feel seen and understood instead of isolated. So this approach is against punishments, time outs, promotes co regulation and connection with the child. This is the foundation that underlies what is called the Gentle Parenting Movement.
Efrat:The Gentle Parenting Movement is a philosophy that is centred on respect, empathy and connection, while maintaining healthy boundaries. The respect means treating children as individuals with their own thoughts and feelings, acknowledging their emotions and avoiding shaming or harsh discipline. Empathy means validating children's emotions, teaching them how to process feelings, and modelling self regulation. It emphasizes positive discipline, teaching rather than punishing, focusing on learning, and cooperation rather than threats or rewards. And I want to add here a very important point.
Efrat:The gentle parenting movement does not say, I mean, at least not in the books that I have read, does not say that we as parents don't set boundaries to our kids. It does say that. It does say that boundaries are important and structure is important for our children and that we need to be authorities in the house. From what I understand from the books that I have read, I don't see gentle parenting as equated to permissive parenting. But what happens is that many people, because of the fear of traumatizing their kids from all these small T traumas, they slip into permissiveness because they are afraid to traumatize their kids.
Efrat:They worry that if they enforce boundaries, it might make their children feel rejected or not fully accepted for who they are. It's very important for me to clarify here that from what I understand, all these parenting books that I have read that have been written by psychologists, such as Danielle Siegel or Doctor. Becky or Shefali Sabari or Gabbormate, I don't see that they are promoting permissive parenting, but the way that people interpret them many times lead to what is called permissive parenting, parents don't keep boundaries, where parents are afraid to be the leaders of their house and parents are afraid to be the strong leaders and the confident leaders that their children need. Underneath this approach, there are four assumptions that I want to lay out for you. And I want us to understand these assumptions.
Efrat:And then I want to give different assumptions that I think will are more beneficial for our children in order to help our children grow into strong, resilient adults. So the four assumptions that I want to lay out are one, that kids are fragile. The second one is that focusing on kids' feelings leads to good mental health. The third one is that mental health is what determines your life experience. And the fourth one is that mental health comes from within a person's mind.
Efrat:Okay, so let's start by talking about the assumption that kids are fragile. In The Coddling of the American Mind, Jonathan Haidt and Greg Lukyanov argue that modern parenting and educational systems have adopted a harmful assumption of fragility. It's a belief that children are inherently vulnerable and must be shielded from discomfort, challenges and adversity. This assumption is based on an untruth has been promoted in our society, which is what doesn't kill you makes you weaker. This idea reflects a broader cultural shift towards perceiving individuals, especially children, as inherently fragile and vulnerable to emotional harm.
Efrat:It fosters a mindset where young people believe they must be protected from any form of discomfort or struggle. It's the belief that children and young people are emotionally vulnerable and unable to handle adversity without suffering long term harm. So this assumption that kids are fragile is very much connected to the trauma informed approach that makes us as parents believe that we need to protect our children even from the slightest feeling of disconnection or the slightest feeling of shame or criticism that we have towards them because they are fragile and we can hurt them for life with that. The second assumption that lays underneath this trauma informed parenting is that focusing on kids' feelings lead to good mental health. So in this trauma informed parenting approach, it is believed that the parent's role is to create a safe and supportive environment for the child.
Efrat:Parents can cultivate a safe home environment where children feel secure to express their feelings without fear of judgment or punishment. This involved being emotionally available and responsive to the child's needs, thereby fostering trust. It puts a big emphasis on recognising and validating our children's emotions. So parents are encouraged to acknowledge and validate their children's emotions instead of dismiss their feelings as unimportant or overly dramatic. It promotes recognising and accepting kids' feelings as valid so that the children feel understood and accepted.
Efrat:This approach encourages emotional expression. Trauma informed parenting promotes open dialogue about emotions. Parenting can encourage your children to articulate their feelings, helping them develop an emotional literacy and understanding. And this can be modeled by the parents as well, expressing their own emotions and feelings appropriately. One of the tools in this trauma informed parenting approach is active listening.
Efrat:So parents should practice attentive listening where children share and experience their feelings while the parents show empathy and understanding. And this reinforces the child's sense of worth and importance. The parents are expected to model self regulation, emotional regulation, and to show their children how to process their feelings and manage frustrations or disappointment in a healthy way. Okay, so this was the second assumption. The third assumption that lays underneath the trauma informed parenting is that mental health is what determines your life experience.
Efrat:So the trauma informed parenting approach adopted the mental health industry model that labels children as victims of their mental health diagnosis. In Bad Therapy, Abigail Shrier critiques the modern mental health industry, particularly how children are being labeled as victims of their mental health diagnosis, rather than being empowered to develop resilience and coping skills. She argues that therapy culture, especially in schools, has shifted from helping kids overcome challenges to reinforcing a sense of fragility and victimhood. So when we adopt this understanding or this model in our parenting, we often time think that if our child has some kind of mental issue, it is a framework through which we see our children. So for example, it can be if our child is diagnosed with ADHD, if we have a neuro divergent child, or if we have a sensitive child, if our child has sensory processing disorder, if our child has some kind of anxiety and so on.
Efrat:So we tend to look at our children through the lens of their quote unquote disorder. And we believe that their disorder is what determines their life experience. One of the things that has been happening in our culture is that we over pathologize normal struggles. So many of these difficulties, so many of these issues that our kids now have once were overlooked. Once we didn't see our kids as having these issues, they weren't just normal kids that maybe were a little bit more sensitive, but it wasn't something that we put so much attention on or we didn't even know that exists.
Efrat:So now that we do know that they exist, we believe that we need to accommodate that for our children. And we need to make sure that they don't suffer because they have these issues. The third assumption that underlies the trauma informed parenting approach is that mental health comes from within a person's mind. For example, Daniel Siegel in his different books talks about integrating the whole brain. And he explains that mental health is deeply connected to the integration of different parts of the brain.
Efrat:He emphasizes that a well functioning brain is one of which different regions such as the logical parts and the emotional part work together in harmony rather than being disconnected or overwhelmed. Belief is that integration leads to well-being. Okay, so these are basically the four assumptions that I wanted to lay out for you that underlies the trauma informed parenting approach. So I want to recap. The first one is that kids are fragile and that we need to protect them from emotional hurt.
Efrat:The second one is that focusing on kids' feelings lead to good mental health. It's the belief that if we focus on our child's feelings and we teach them the language of feelings, then this is something that is going to help them achieve good mental health as they grow up. The third one is that mental health is what determines your life experience, meaning that we see our children through the lens of their mental health diagnosis. And this is what determines their life experience. So therefore, we want to make sure that they are not paying a price for their mental health.
Efrat:So we accommodate their situation. We help them, we bolster them in order to help them. And the fourth one is that mental health comes from within a person's mind, meaning that if we get the brain straight, if we get the mind straight, it means that we're going to have a life of well-being. So after laying out some of the assumptions of the trauma informed parenting, I want to talk about the implications of holding these assumptions while raising our kids. Now, want to make things clear here.
Efrat:I'm not saying that all of these assumptions aren't true. And I think that we can use a lot of these understandings when we are raising our children. But I do think that when we adopt this completely without having a bigger picture in mind, then it can be detrimental for our children. And one of the changes that has happened in our society is that our society became more and more protective of children. And Jonathan Haides defines the term safetyism.
Efrat:And he says that safetyism is a culture or a mindset that places an excessive emphasis on emotional and physical safety. He argues that safetyism leads to the belief that children and young people must be protected from any form of discomfort, distress, or potential harm, including exposure to oppositive viewpoints, failure or struggle. It led to the decline of free play and independence. Kids today don't go outside. They don't play freely in their neighbourhoods.
Efrat:They don't play in an unsupervised way, from the parents' watchful eye. And that type of play is what actually helps them develop the social skills that they need, problem solving skills that they need and emotional regulation. There is an overemphasis on emotional validation. While recognizing emotions is important, when we are constantly validating distress without encouraging problem solving, this can reinforce learned helplessness, where kids believe that they are incapable of handling adversity on their own. Okay, so we talked about the four assumptions.
Efrat:We talked about the implications of adopting these assumptions without having a bigger picture in mind. So I want to lay out to you right now different assumptions that we can adopt in order to really raise our children to be independent and resilient and strong. The first assumption is going to be that kids are antifragile. The term antifragile is coined by Nassim Nicolas Staleb in his book, Things that Gain from Disorder. This book describes systems, organisms, or ideas that not only withstand stress and chaos, but actually grow stronger because of them.
Efrat:Antifragile Unlike something that is fragile, which breaks under stress, or something that is resilient, which resists stress but stays the same, an antifragile system improves and thrives when exposed to challenges, uncertainty, and adversity. Examples of antifragile systems are the human body, our immune system, free markets, and psychological growth. People can face and overcome challenges, develop resilience, wisdom, and strength. Jonathan Haidt and others argue that children should be raised in an anti fragile way, meaning they need exposure to manageable risks, failure, and adversity to develop resilience and independence. Overprotecting safetyism makes them more fragile than stronger.
Efrat:Antifragility means not just surviving difficulties, but using them to become stronger, wiser and more adaptable. Second assumption I want to lay out is that feelings are to be aware of, but not trusted. Both Abigail Shrier and Jonathan Haidt argue that over focusing on a person's feelings, especially distressing emotions, can actually make them worse rather than better. So I want to remind you that in our gentle parenting approach, in our trauma informed parenting approach, we overemphasize feelings. One of the biggest tools in the gentle parenting approach is to teach our children to express their feelings and to talk about their feelings.
Efrat:This approach is different. It says that encouraging excessive interception and emotional validation can actually increase distress, fragility and victim mindset instead of foster resilience. The more you focus on negative feelings, the bigger they get. So constantly analyzing and validating children's emotions can reinforce and intensify anxiety, depression or distress, make them feel more fragile than stronger. The third assumption that I want to lay out is that people can always choose and are not victims of their mental health.
Efrat:So I want to remind you that in our gentle parenting approach, we understood that our kids' mental health situation is what determines their life experience. But I want to say that when we see ourselves as victims of our circumstances, where we live, the color of our skin, our relationships, our mental health situation, we adopt what is called an external locus of control. An external locus of control is a belief that outcomes in life are primarily influenced by external factors such as luck, fate, or the actions of others, rather than by one's efforts or decisions. Individuals with this perspective often feel powerless and may attribute their successes and failures to circumstances beyond their control. This belief can lead to reduced motivation, increased stress and anxiety, and the adoption of passive coping strategies.
Efrat:It diminishes self efficacy as those with external locus may lack confidence in their ability to influence their circumstances. Understanding one's locus of control is important for personal development as fostering a more internal locus can enhance empowerment and engagement in life. So viewing our life through our mental health diagnosis is a choice. And I'm not saying that choosing differently is easy or is equally easy for everyone. Yes, if you are depressed, if you are anxious, if you have a learning disability, if you have a sensory disability, or maybe you don't have the right support system, it is harder for you to adopt an internal locus of control, but I want to argue that you still have a choice to do that.
Efrat:An internal locus of control is the belief that one has the power to influence the outcomes of their life through their own actions, decisions, and efforts. Individuals with this perspective tend to attribute their successes and failures to personal responsibility, skills and choices rather than external factors like luck or fate. This belief often leads to greater motivation, resilience, and a sense of empowerment, as individuals feel more in control of their circumstances and are more capable of affecting changes in their life. Viktor Frankl in his book, Man's Search for Meaning, emphasizes that our greatest human freedom is our ability to choose our responses to any situation, no matter how difficult they are. He famously wrote that between stimulus and response, there is a space.
Efrat:In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. This means that while we cannot always control what happens to us, we can always control how we respond with dignity, courage and meaning. The last assumption that I want to lay out for you is that mental health comes not from within ourselves, not inside our brain, but it comes from the context between us and other people. Jordan Peterson talks about the fact that one cannot genuinely be happy in a miserable environment, because the individual is not only defined by themselves, but also by their involvement in various relationships and their connections to the broader community.
Efrat:Psychological well-being, which encompasses human well-being, requires a proper place within a social hierarchy. This suggests that the more a person focuses on themselves, the less attention they pay to build strong, reliable and reciprocal social relationships, including intimate relationships, friendships, family ties and connections to the wider community. When individuals isolate themselves, concentrating only on their own concerns, they may become miserable, depressed, anxious, alone and disconnected. This all arises from the misguided belief that simply getting your head straight will lead to sanity. So I want to summarize here.
Efrat:I presented you four assumptions that underlie the trauma informed parenting approach and helped you see that there is a different perspective on these assumptions. At the same time, I don't want to throw the baby out with a bathwater. I have learned for many years this trauma informed approach in parenting, and I think a lot of it is very helpful in our parenting. And I don't want to undermine it completely. I have tremendous respect for Daniel Siegel and Gabbarmatta and Doctor.
Efrat:Becky and all these experts that I have been following for years. But I am beginning to realize something that I think is lacking in that approach. What I want to argue is that if we adopt the four different assumptions that I laid out for you that human beings are antifragile that feelings are to be aware of but not trusted that people can always choose and they are not victims of their mental health and that mental health comes from the context between us and other people and not within inside our brains. So if we adopt these four assumptions, it will give us a much more empowered view of parenting. It will give us freedom in our parenting.
Efrat:It will give us the opportunity to be the strong leaders, the confident leaders, the authority figures that our children need them to be. We need to remember that human beings are not fragile. We grow from adversity and challenge. We need exposure to difficulties in order to develop. While I believe self awareness is important and I have personally experienced healing and growth through reflecting on my feelings and understanding them, I also recognize that children live in the moment.
Efrat:They do not ruminate on their feelings to maintain mental health. What they truly need is a healthy environment. They need stability and predictability. They require ample of free time to play freely, unsupervised. They need opportunities to be outside in nature and unsupervised time with peers to learn social skills and emotional skills.
Efrat:They need to feel like they are contributing to their environment by taking on responsibilities, participating in household tasks and supporting the family in meaningful ways. Children also need less time on screens and should have the chance to engage in the real world. Interacting face to face with others, deal with boredom and appreciate the little wonders of ordinary, regular life. We are all free agents and we all have choice. Yes, it is harder for some people than others.
Efrat:But eventually what determines if you will succeed and have a fulfilling life, have good relationships, work in something that you love, take care of yourself, make good choices about your life is whether you take responsibility on your life or you don't, which means you choose to be a creator in your life and not a victim of your circumstances. You choose hard work and overcoming challenges. It is a choice for everybody. We always have a choice. This is our free will given to us by God.
Efrat:It is essential for us to teach our children that they must find their place in the world. They need partners, friends, careers, and educational plans. They must be integrated into the social fabric of society. So I hope this episode was clear to you. I hope this made sense.
Efrat:And again, I want to repeat and say that I don't think that the trauma informed approach is bad. I just think that it's slacking. And I think that over focusing on our children's feelings and emotions and seeing them through the lens of their mental health situation or of their weaknesses, seeing them through the lens of their learning disability or their sensory disability undermines their agency. And we need to let them know that although it's hard for them, although they may have ADHD, although they may have a sensory disorder, they're neurodivergent, whatever it is that we decided to call them, it doesn't mean that they don't have agency. It doesn't mean that they can't take responsibility over their life.
Efrat:It doesn't mean that we need to make life easier for them. We need to let them know that they are free agents. They have a choice and we don't have to overprotect them because that's not going to help them in the long run. We need to have trust in them and let them know that they can deal with the challenges that this world will present to them and that we believe in them. And if we do give them that sense of trust, that sense of safety, then they will learn to overcome and they will grow and they will feel stronger and they will feel capable and they will be mentally healthy.
Efrat:So I hope this episode made sense to you. If you have any questions, please find me on the Facebook group, the Parenting Wisdom Facebook group, or you can email me as well efraatefradamira dot com. I hope to hear from you. Till next time. Thanks for tuning in to Parenting Wisdom.
Efrat:I hope this episode gave you something to think about and inspired you on your parenting journey. Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode, new ones drop every Wednesday. If you enjoyed today's discussion, I'd love for you to share it with a friend or leave a review. It helps others discover the podcast too. If you'd like to add a reminder in your email when a new episode comes out, sign up for my newsletter, theparentingwisdom.kit.com/newsletter Remember parenting is a journey not a destination and together we can navigate it with wisdom and purpose.
Efrat:Until next time I'm Efraat Amira and this is the Parenting Wisdom Podcast. See you next week.
